Surviving Infidelity. Cultivating Resiliance.

Discovery.  Finding out about your partner’s infidelity can be a devastating experience.  You're likely to cycle through a range of responses upon discovery including rage, fear, denial, shock, confusion and shame, just to name a few.  The intensity of these emotions often activate a response that might look like hyper vigilance (think endless searching & rumination; when did this happen, why didn’t I know?), or a protective response that literally narrows your focus and causes you to slow way down and withdraw.  This is your body’s way of attempting to preserve your resources because you're going to need them to get through this.  Think survival mode. 

SHAME.  Following the initial phase of shock and rage, the primary feeling that follows is usually shame.  What? I know, it doesn’t make sense, why would you feel ashamed when you didn’t do anything wrong?  But the conversation in your head probably sounds something like, how could I've been so stupid?!?  Followed by some version of this, it would’ve never happened if I wasn’t so unattractive, predictable, etc.  In buddhist teachings this self-flagellation following a difficult experience is called the second arrow.  Your brain actually thinks it's protecting you - if i beat myself up enough after something bad's happened, then i'll remember and be safer next time.  Painful I know, but utterly human.   

RESILIENCE.  Everyone recovers from the pain of infidelity at their own rate but there are several things you can do to begin to heal ASAP.  First, be sure to get support from people you trust.  If you want to move through your pain, it’s critical that you have someone to process your experience with. Secondly, find others who can validate your experience.  This is the best way I know to avoid isolation, cultivate resilience and recoup your sense of self.  With consistent empathy and the opportunity to reflect and process your experience, you will move through your pain, and slowly but surely begin to contemplate what’s possible from here.